2005-10-31 04:55:59 UTC
1. Confess to all your friends, associates and church leaders that you love
Jesus and intend to become His slave and that you will devote your life to
Him. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, just saying it will
put you in a Christian mode.
2. Join a church, get baptized and attribute your conversion to the priest
or minister. Gaze reverently into his eyes as he pontificates about the
nature of God. Sighing every once and a while, or wiping a tear will
guarantee their devotion. If you join a revival church, fall to the floor,
shake your body, put up both hands and yell: JAYsus-ah! NEVER bring up the
topic of sexual molestation to your priest, no matter how many boys or girls
he may have poked.
3. Every Sunday, make sure you put a large sum of MONEY into the church's
MONEY basket. Make sure that everyone in the congregation sees you giving
4. When talking with your priest and religious friends, occasionally confuse
something that they said with something that Jesus said. This will impress
them and they will think more highly of you.
5. Read the Bible, but ignore the atrocities and concentrate only on what
seems "good" to you. For instance, discard the parts where God kills
firstborns, pregnant women, etc., and only keep verses such as "God is
love." Its like taking a sugar coated bitter pill, but it will appear good
and that's what counts here.
6. Learn a few basic Hebrew words and whenever you're in a religious
discussion, mention them in the context of their original meaning and
comparing them to the English version. This will impress others of your
Biblical knowledge, even if you don't know squat about theology.
7. Rely on faith and believe in the Bible superstitions, regardless of how
silly they may seem. Yes, even the talking donkey, unicorns, and the
strolling on water part. Even if you don't believe in them, just pretend
that you do; no one will be able to tell the difference.
8. Abandon all reason and critical thinking. This is imperative. You cannot
become a good Christian if you question the Bible with reason or skepticism.
9. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you hate
their guts. You must pretend, at all costs, to love your worst enemies even
if it kills them in the end.
10. Attempt to convert your unbelieving friends. Make an ass out of yourself
to the point of getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and
tell them how much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave
you fully satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the
Devil and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).
11. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against Christianity, simply go
into denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger.
Never submit to them.
12. If your antagonists quote a verse from the Bible that contradicts your
position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of context. The
out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult situations and will
make it seem that you actually understand the correct context when in fact
13. Pray. Make sure you pray, not just in church, but in public parks,
schools, libraries, and when visiting friends and relatives. Praying out
loud is a sure way to convince others of your Christianity.
14. Advertise your Christianity. Examples: wear religious symbols such as a
cross; always have a Bible handy; put fish symbols on your car; put a baby
Jesus on the front lawn; put a plastic Jesus in your car. Cross yourself a
15. Wear conservative clothes. For the best effect: Men should wear white
shirts and dark pants. Suits should be baby blue. Women should wear long
dresses and veils. The hair style should be frumpish. Old ladies should dye
their hair blue. NEVER attempt to look sexy. Never tattoo your body with
religious symbols. Women should never expose their breasts. Men should NEVER
expose their genitals.
16. Get married and raise a family. The bigger the better. If you cannot
conceive, adopt. Profess family values. If you cheat on your spouse, never
make it known to them. Never get a divorce, regardless of how miserable you
17. When making love to your spouse, make it known that it's for Christ (and
I don't mean yelling out Jesus' name). Think of Jesus when you come. After
sex, instead of a smoking a cigarette, discuss the works of the virgin
18. If any power threatens your Christianity, make sure your political
stance aims to destroy that threat (always through love, of course.) If the
threat comes from a foreign country, support the military to crush the enemy
(always through love, of course). If the threat comes from within your
country, support legislation to change the constitution so that your
Christian position will prevail.
19. If you're fortunate to achieve political power, use your religious
beliefs to direct your actions. It doesn't matter how many enemies you
slaughter or what freedoms are lost, as long as your justification is based
on the Bible, you will become a Christian of history.
20 The most important of all: Give your possessions away (charity). The
Bible says give all you have to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30). May I suggest
that for practice, give me all your money. I'm officially asking that you to
please give me ALL your MONEY. Warning: If you do not do this, you are
disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this command, it
will guarantee you a Christian position and you will garner my greatest
esteem and respect for you.
If you follow the above examples (especially step 20), you will become an